Wolf? Where!!!?

Ahhh! Well a pleasurable weekend was soiled last minute by some unwanted rain showers. Boo Hoo! Well it helped me stay on task in helping you less fortunates tend to your medical issues. Good news, folks! I have recently begun courting a beautiful Malibu Barbie.


I am at least 10 times her size, not made of hard plastic and people sure stare, but we are quite the happy couple. (as long as she doesn’t give me any lip hahahahah.)

Now, enough about me, your puppet M.D. lets get to you with the little boo boo.

Another doosie,

“Dear Dr. Tony,
My mom took sick with a wolf bite she received when we was out hunting squirrels with my new paint rifle. You should see the ways they little asses explode into neon colors when we shoots at ‘em. So, we was out and a wolf came by and bit up my mom real bad. I was able to kick the wolf to death with my boots but not before it hurt my mom real bad. Well, she got the fever something fierce and I was wondering what I need to do in orders to make the pain subside. Our town fissishawn says the only way to cure her is to starve that fever. He wrapped her all up with some band aids he had, but I haven’t fed her in days so the sick will go away, but she is getting real crazy. Please help. – C. Bumpkin, 16 ”

Holy Smokes! Wolves are scary creatures, they look like big ugly dirty dogs, and I personally would shoot one on sight. I watch a lot of television and movies and I wouldn’t want to be bit by a werewolf. I wonder how you can tell the difference? I say, let the cop killas fly and sort ‘em out later. MmmmHmmm. I think there has been only one really good werewolf movie that I would recommend to a friend. That would be the Howling. Scary business. O.K. maybe Wolf with Jack Nicholson was good too.
I like when he pees on the guys shoes and says, “I’m just marking my territory.” Hardy Har har Laugh, Laugh. The first one made with Lon Chaney Jr. was kinda dumb, It looked like he just turned into a really mad guy with a crazy beard and a bad hair cut.

" arghh! I am so mad gimme back my two bits for this hair cut!"

I wish I could turn into an animal sometimes., like a bird or a snake. Maybe a bird-snake. I could slither and fly, and then I would show the world...show everybody. I digress. Why don’t African-Americans ever become werewolves? There are black vampires, like Blade,
"Karate chop!"

and the baddest mofo to ever suck the red, Blacula.
"Shut yo mouth! " You say Horrifying, I say racist. He gets killed by "The Man".

So Mr. Bumpkin I say go and get some silver bullets and watch your back. Good luck to you, and remember I am just a goddam puppet what the hell do I know. BOING!

High Anxiety Attacks!

Well, today is another wonderful day to be alive. If you are alive of course. Most of the time I sit in a bag in the closet, so you could imagine how I feel. I was asked recently, "What kind of doctor man is you anyway?" I corrected his grammer, and received a crosseyed look of bewilderment and quickly found myself staring down the barrel of his middle finger. Yikes! At any rate, I informed the miscreant that I hold a Phd( a Puppet how-do-ya do) , in various fields of life experience. Which basically means diddely piss. I had quite a chuckle, until he threw me about fifty feet where I lay on the sidewalk for birds to start trying to make a nest in my curly yarn like puppet hair(as I lack motor control of most of my body).

Anywho, today's question is from a young lady out of Oklahoma,


"Dear, Dr. Tony : I am an native-american woman who works in the construction business. I go up top and place the rivets where no one else wants to go, because generally I don't fear death, my spirit guide watches over me. My husband doesn't mind either, he is at home smoking peyote half the time because he's on disabilty. I come home, cook and clean, and then go get cheap cigarettes. Most of the time I feel like crying, the other times I feel like gambling. I feel like I am having a mental breakdown. I don't know what to do. Please help.
- P. Feathers-Proudwater, 42


Dear P. Feathers-Proudwater,

I have really had to think about this alot. I have no experience dealing with native-americans. I appreciate you not using the term "injun" to describe yourself as it offends me to no end. As a gift I received a dream catcher of which I am sure you are very familiar with. I am beginning to think it's all a bunch of simple minded mumbo jumbo to be quite honest with you. It came with no instructions, other than to hang it over my bed(which I needed help I assure you). I dream alot, most of the time I dream in electric colors inspired by the benders I frequently find myself on. Well, I wanted to see some of those dreams again so i went to the dream catcher which am I to assume works like a dream TEVO if you will? Well i will be damned if I cannot retrieve one dream from it, and I have been having some dooseys! Why just two days ago I dreamt that I had spider legs and a normal top part of my body and could wrap my enemies up in a web before devouring them later.

Of course i had no time to eat them becuase somehow i was in a limosine on my way to the oscars to present with Michael Douglas.

So you can see why I would want to see that again!! So I tried taking the dream catcher over to the sink and wringing out all the dreams into my favorite coffee cup.
Again I hit a dead end. I decided the best thing to do would be to regift the dream catcher to some other poor shlub, and let them sort out the bodies, if you catch my drift.

So, yes, you....um have you tried any of that scrumptious peyote? I sure that will do the trick. It's better for you than the fire water anyday. Like always remember, I am just a goddammed puppet what the hell do I know? BOING!

Questions!

Here we go, my very first question:

" Dr. Tony, I have a series of rashes around my ankles and wrists. I am kinda scared becuase I don't know where or why I might have contracted something. They burn really bad, and my wrists smell like cheese. Please Help." - J. Porter, 36


Dear J. Porter,

I don't know much but I do know that I hate cheese. I am repulsed by the mere mention of it. In fact just writing about it has cuased me to wretch all over my brand new doctor coat. And I am not just talking about one type of cheese, mind you, all kinds. In fact, I dislike anyone who says they do like the vile dairy product.

When I was a boy I used to dream of flying a space ship to a green cheese moon. I would get out collect samples. make nice with the inhabitants, then go about my business, and return to earth a hero. This was a recurring dream that kept me quite satisfied. Then one day my family and I traversed to Wisconsin on a day trip to a cheese factory. This trip would turn out to be a frightening nightmarish journey into a hell which I will not soon be free from.

We were on the tour and my family ventured to close to the cheese mixing device, whilst I wandered off to feed my fat little face with free cheese samples. Unbeknownst to me. my family or the factory, an ancient fault ran beneath and belched out an ancient belch. The ground rumbled and in my family fell, forever encased in chedder cheese. My family persished as I gorged myself. I was devasted and vowed to avenge them some day. I have devoted most of my doctor money to a foundation based on the belief that cheese is evil. Some say my anger is misdirected, or misguided. I should really blame the geological force of the faultline, cheese is yummy and my friend, earthquakes are the real culprit. I say Hogwash, and Balderdash!!!!!!!!!!

Below are some cheeses(wretch) that I detest:



Gross!



Barfffff!



Bletccch! Cartoon cheese is the worst!


So, I hope this helps J. Porter. Get some cream or something. Remember, I am just a goddammed puppet what the hell do I know? BOING!

Ask Dr. Tony!

Welcome! This is Ask Dr. Tony. Ask him anything, he's a doctor. A doctor who thinks with his heart. Dr. Tony will answer your medical questions as best as he can, but remember he's just a goddammed puppet.