High Anxiety Attacks!

Well, today is another wonderful day to be alive. If you are alive of course. Most of the time I sit in a bag in the closet, so you could imagine how I feel. I was asked recently, "What kind of doctor man is you anyway?" I corrected his grammer, and received a crosseyed look of bewilderment and quickly found myself staring down the barrel of his middle finger. Yikes! At any rate, I informed the miscreant that I hold a Phd( a Puppet how-do-ya do) , in various fields of life experience. Which basically means diddely piss. I had quite a chuckle, until he threw me about fifty feet where I lay on the sidewalk for birds to start trying to make a nest in my curly yarn like puppet hair(as I lack motor control of most of my body).

Anywho, today's question is from a young lady out of Oklahoma,


"Dear, Dr. Tony : I am an native-american woman who works in the construction business. I go up top and place the rivets where no one else wants to go, because generally I don't fear death, my spirit guide watches over me. My husband doesn't mind either, he is at home smoking peyote half the time because he's on disabilty. I come home, cook and clean, and then go get cheap cigarettes. Most of the time I feel like crying, the other times I feel like gambling. I feel like I am having a mental breakdown. I don't know what to do. Please help.
- P. Feathers-Proudwater, 42


Dear P. Feathers-Proudwater,

I have really had to think about this alot. I have no experience dealing with native-americans. I appreciate you not using the term "injun" to describe yourself as it offends me to no end. As a gift I received a dream catcher of which I am sure you are very familiar with. I am beginning to think it's all a bunch of simple minded mumbo jumbo to be quite honest with you. It came with no instructions, other than to hang it over my bed(which I needed help I assure you). I dream alot, most of the time I dream in electric colors inspired by the benders I frequently find myself on. Well, I wanted to see some of those dreams again so i went to the dream catcher which am I to assume works like a dream TEVO if you will? Well i will be damned if I cannot retrieve one dream from it, and I have been having some dooseys! Why just two days ago I dreamt that I had spider legs and a normal top part of my body and could wrap my enemies up in a web before devouring them later.

Of course i had no time to eat them becuase somehow i was in a limosine on my way to the oscars to present with Michael Douglas.

So you can see why I would want to see that again!! So I tried taking the dream catcher over to the sink and wringing out all the dreams into my favorite coffee cup.
Again I hit a dead end. I decided the best thing to do would be to regift the dream catcher to some other poor shlub, and let them sort out the bodies, if you catch my drift.

So, yes, you....um have you tried any of that scrumptious peyote? I sure that will do the trick. It's better for you than the fire water anyday. Like always remember, I am just a goddammed puppet what the hell do I know? BOING!