Christmas Crazy!
Well, it has certainly been awhile hasn’t it? Hmmmm? I would like to extend a heartfelt apology to all my readers as I have been away from helping those in need. You see it really is out of my control. You as the reader are led to assume that I was attending to very serious medical matters, but in truth I was given a Nintendo DS and I just can’t put the goddam thing down!
I have been playing Brain Age for the last several months and haven’t left my place of residence but a handful of times. I look like hell and smell like death. In happier news though, my Brain Age is 22. Up yours everybody!
Now you have to understand that I try to help as many people as I can but, my little felt hands can’t keep up with all those letters. I suggest most of you invest in a pet bird or fish. That will take care of about 90% of you cookoo birds.
So here is today’s letter:
Dear Dr. Tony,
I am really in low spirits as I write this letter. The lowest I have been in a long while. Christmas time makes me sad, I mean real sad. The saddest sad of the Sadtown Saddies kind of sad. I don’t know why I get so sad around the holidays. I assume I had a normal childhood just like anyone else. On December 1st we would go to the local Chistmas Tree farm and shout obscenities at the trees until the one with the lowest self esteem fell down. The family would gather around in the evenings and we would all take shots at each other in the face with a boxing glove covered fist, and shout, “EGGNOG!”. The first person to bleed received no holiday nog. Presents were handed out based on the condition that you successfully passed a drug test. Granted that on the day after thanksgiving through Christams Eve morning we were given anabolic steroids, we had to conceal the abuse to the best of our abilities.
I just wish I could put my finger on the sadness I feel. Could you please help a poor soul looking for some holiday cheer?
Sincerely,
Glen Badass
P.S. Most of my family is dead, having O.D. on anabolic steroids.
Dear Glen,
Holy Moses!!!! What a tale. In my professional opinion, a tale like that requires some tail. Are getting regular sex? From what I gather the answer is no. I mean your testicles have probably shriveled up and your acne and woman like breasts must be unappealing to look at.
You know, some would say you seek regular psychiatric consultations. I say they wouldn’t know the difference between sheep shit and tapioca. The perfect solution is for you to watch every Rankin Bass Christmas Special ever made. Even the stupid ones, like the monster holiday party with Phyliss Diller. P.U.!!!!!!!!!!
Then, you go ahead and drink all the Nog you want. Drink more than you can stand to bear. This will force out all of the sadness.
Next, send yourself a Christmas card with a real sexy message, and sign it “Your secret admirer”. Then when you receive it, show all your friends and make them jealous.
You are going to be well on your way to happy town in no time.
I mean after all what in the name of all things Christmas do I know? I am just a goddam puppet.
Dr. Tony P.M.D.
I have been playing Brain Age for the last several months and haven’t left my place of residence but a handful of times. I look like hell and smell like death. In happier news though, my Brain Age is 22. Up yours everybody!
Now you have to understand that I try to help as many people as I can but, my little felt hands can’t keep up with all those letters. I suggest most of you invest in a pet bird or fish. That will take care of about 90% of you cookoo birds.
So here is today’s letter:
Dear Dr. Tony,
I am really in low spirits as I write this letter. The lowest I have been in a long while. Christmas time makes me sad, I mean real sad. The saddest sad of the Sadtown Saddies kind of sad. I don’t know why I get so sad around the holidays. I assume I had a normal childhood just like anyone else. On December 1st we would go to the local Chistmas Tree farm and shout obscenities at the trees until the one with the lowest self esteem fell down. The family would gather around in the evenings and we would all take shots at each other in the face with a boxing glove covered fist, and shout, “EGGNOG!”. The first person to bleed received no holiday nog. Presents were handed out based on the condition that you successfully passed a drug test. Granted that on the day after thanksgiving through Christams Eve morning we were given anabolic steroids, we had to conceal the abuse to the best of our abilities.
I just wish I could put my finger on the sadness I feel. Could you please help a poor soul looking for some holiday cheer?
Sincerely,
Glen Badass
P.S. Most of my family is dead, having O.D. on anabolic steroids.
Dear Glen,
Holy Moses!!!! What a tale. In my professional opinion, a tale like that requires some tail. Are getting regular sex? From what I gather the answer is no. I mean your testicles have probably shriveled up and your acne and woman like breasts must be unappealing to look at.
You know, some would say you seek regular psychiatric consultations. I say they wouldn’t know the difference between sheep shit and tapioca. The perfect solution is for you to watch every Rankin Bass Christmas Special ever made. Even the stupid ones, like the monster holiday party with Phyliss Diller. P.U.!!!!!!!!!!
Then, you go ahead and drink all the Nog you want. Drink more than you can stand to bear. This will force out all of the sadness.
Next, send yourself a Christmas card with a real sexy message, and sign it “Your secret admirer”. Then when you receive it, show all your friends and make them jealous.
You are going to be well on your way to happy town in no time.
I mean after all what in the name of all things Christmas do I know? I am just a goddam puppet.
Dr. Tony P.M.D.
posted by Tony Sam at 2:24 PM
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