The Stone Skipper
Dear Dr. Tony,
First If I may, I would just like to say how attractive I find you. You must realize how hard it is for a confident strapping young heterosexual male to say so about an inanimate object. Surely they broke the mold after such a masterpiece was created. I mean…really.
So I was skipping stones with my nephew down by creek by the old mill in my home town about two weeks ago. We are standing there minding our business when out of nowhere a condor soars down and impales my nephew through his friggin’ face. At first I’m all hahaha that’s real funny take that joke bird out of your face, and then he’s all cryin’ and shit and I am like Whoa! There is a giant bird of prey stuck in my nephews head. I pick him up and carry him back to my station wagon( I call it the brown beast, but that is not important right now) I get back to the station wagon, and haul some major ass to a gas station and ask if I can get some towels or water or anything to get this bird out of my brothers youngest child. Only everywhere I go everybody keep laughin. I mean it is pretty funny at this point because the bird has died, and it is letting out a last shit rainstorm everywhere. I mean it kinda looks like the birds dead ass is a caulk gun, but that’s not important. Long story short. My brother is coming back into town tommorow, and my nephew stopped moving like three days ago, what do you think I should do? I got to be honest every time I try to say something to the kid, I just start laughin’ and say “just like your old man huh”? Then I go get a sandwich and forget he’s alive.
Please help.
Cory Butterton, 25
Well Cory I gotta tell ya, Goddamit that’s Funny, but in a dark bizarre happy go lucky so of way. Thanks for the kind words at the top of your letter. This hunk of man love only knows how to draw straight lines my man , if you hear what I’m sayin.
You’re in deep shit pal. Don’t you watch old movies? Never go by the old mill! No good can come of it. I’d say if anything you were lucky your nephew became a bird kabob, and you didn’t get attacked by a zombie or a crazy in a hockey mask. And who the fuck is skipping stones? Do me a favor, why don’t you and the Beav run down to the soda jerk and pick up Ward and June a bottle of reality, preferably 2007.
You called the condor in your nephew’s face a bird of prey. I watch a lot of Sci-fi and that makes me think of Star Trek. I have been to a lot of conventions and had my fair share of nerd girl poonany. That’s the only reason I go, because they are dens of sex. Sci-Fi euphemisms (I need warp drive power in your vahina now scotty!) being throw back and forth, which at the very least will get you a guilt free hand job. Most of the time I go for the real frumpy ones, they just want to make someone happy, I’m talking serious in flagrante dilicto!
So Cory I hope that answers your question, Besides I'm pretty sure the bastard’s dead.
And remember, blah blah blah.
Dr. Tony
First If I may, I would just like to say how attractive I find you. You must realize how hard it is for a confident strapping young heterosexual male to say so about an inanimate object. Surely they broke the mold after such a masterpiece was created. I mean…really.
So I was skipping stones with my nephew down by creek by the old mill in my home town about two weeks ago. We are standing there minding our business when out of nowhere a condor soars down and impales my nephew through his friggin’ face. At first I’m all hahaha that’s real funny take that joke bird out of your face, and then he’s all cryin’ and shit and I am like Whoa! There is a giant bird of prey stuck in my nephews head. I pick him up and carry him back to my station wagon( I call it the brown beast, but that is not important right now) I get back to the station wagon, and haul some major ass to a gas station and ask if I can get some towels or water or anything to get this bird out of my brothers youngest child. Only everywhere I go everybody keep laughin. I mean it is pretty funny at this point because the bird has died, and it is letting out a last shit rainstorm everywhere. I mean it kinda looks like the birds dead ass is a caulk gun, but that’s not important. Long story short. My brother is coming back into town tommorow, and my nephew stopped moving like three days ago, what do you think I should do? I got to be honest every time I try to say something to the kid, I just start laughin’ and say “just like your old man huh”? Then I go get a sandwich and forget he’s alive.
Please help.
Cory Butterton, 25
Well Cory I gotta tell ya, Goddamit that’s Funny, but in a dark bizarre happy go lucky so of way. Thanks for the kind words at the top of your letter. This hunk of man love only knows how to draw straight lines my man , if you hear what I’m sayin.
You’re in deep shit pal. Don’t you watch old movies? Never go by the old mill! No good can come of it. I’d say if anything you were lucky your nephew became a bird kabob, and you didn’t get attacked by a zombie or a crazy in a hockey mask. And who the fuck is skipping stones? Do me a favor, why don’t you and the Beav run down to the soda jerk and pick up Ward and June a bottle of reality, preferably 2007.
You called the condor in your nephew’s face a bird of prey. I watch a lot of Sci-fi and that makes me think of Star Trek. I have been to a lot of conventions and had my fair share of nerd girl poonany. That’s the only reason I go, because they are dens of sex. Sci-Fi euphemisms (I need warp drive power in your vahina now scotty!) being throw back and forth, which at the very least will get you a guilt free hand job. Most of the time I go for the real frumpy ones, they just want to make someone happy, I’m talking serious in flagrante dilicto!
So Cory I hope that answers your question, Besides I'm pretty sure the bastard’s dead.
And remember, blah blah blah.
Dr. Tony
posted by Tony Sam at 6:50 PM
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