Star Watcher

Dearest Doctor Tony,

Welcome to La La Land. I work at a bakery, a very exclusive fancy bakery at that. I deal with Hollywood’s elite and I thought I could cash in on all the celebrity exposure I am privy too. I started photocopying the receipts of all the celebrities that buy stuff so I can publish them in a book I am writing called, “Cash Register Receipts to the Stars!”. That’s pretty clever huh? I know it is!

I try to make small talk with them but they get all squirmy and try to scoot out of the place quickly. I corner them usually and then demand to take a picture with them using my camera phone.

Well one day I was photocopying some receipts and my hand got stuck in the fax/copier/printer scanner. It’s a four in one! Well the gears pulled my hand inside and copied the crap out of it. It’s all chewed up and at least five shades lighter now than the rest of my body. My boyfriend calls me pecan tan, but now I look like a dummy. Everyone at work gives me the business and calls me, “Stupid Hand”. I think it’s infected too, because my pinky fell off. Whoops!

I am also a big cake head. I love cake. My face looks like a pepperoni pizza these days and I thinks it’s cause of all the sweets I eat and my ass is getting fatter than ever. I limit myself to only one slice a cake every few hours, but I am covered in zits and am gaining weight at a rapid rate. My fat belly looks like a cartoonish tire with a patch on it. My butt is bloated like two footballs overfilled with air.

I’m a mess. Please Help!

Gloria Dunderman – 29
Mission Viejo, CA.



Dear Gloria,

You are a naughty bird. Naughty, Naughty. I don’t swim in your toilet so don’t pee in my pool. You ever heard that expression? It’s fits your sorry soul to a tee! Just a little jab, no harm. Celebrities are people too. Like me for instance, I don’t want to be given hand pleasure at the dry cleaners just because the people there know me. I will object once or twice, but then I will give in and hose ‘em down with my baby juice.

I like cupcakes, ya know. They are like tiny cakes. I have a recurring dream that I am a on a gondola in a sea of cream cheese icing, and I run aground on a red velvet cupcake shore. Oh No! No worries, I just get some candy sprinkles from below deck off the gondola (that’s right playa!) and jimmy my way off the moist cocoa sweet reef, only to be attacked by a chocolate tornado.

Yikes! That was so decadent and scary. I made it out alive though. People say that if you die in your dream you die in real life. I say that’s dumb. People who believe that also believe in Freddy Kruger, and the Boogey Man. Hey Idiot I just acquired some swampland in Alaska, you want a few acres?

Good luck you dope. j/k, j/k!!

Dr. Tony

Cat Burglar

It’s been awhile friends. Your old pal Dr. T was movin across the country to set up shop in L.A. I got me a little taste for sun and skin, relaxed for spell, sired a few kids and decided to get right back on the horse and help someone out. Here’s a doosie:

Dear Dr. Tony,
First time writer, long time reader. I have been following your career closely, very closely. I am no creep though. I have only been arrested once and that was a long time ago. Some things are better left alone. Understand?
So here is my problem. I like stealing. I love stealing. Steal. Steal. Steal. I am addicted to stealing. I’ll steal shit that when worked out on paper makes less sense than it did in my head!

I like to steal underwear, lipstick, jewels, babies, blue things, sports cars, gym bags, mobile homes, wigs, cans, shoes, the Grandma you like, not the one you don’t like, and HoneyBees. I stole the bees than I stole their G.D. Honey. You know, shit like that.

I once took this guys glasses right off his friggin’ face! The guy was all like, “Hey my glasses!” and then I socked him in the mouth and was like, “Eat a Crap Sandwich!” then I was like I’m sorry I take it back. I stole back the remark I just made to him! In your face
glasses!

I get a real high from stealin’. I mean I get really aroused. The only thing that will take off the edge is watchin’ old Double Dare episodes.

What do I do? I stole the paper and pen to write this letter. I’m really sick in the head. I thought about comin’ down and stealin’ your sorry ass. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I get all caught up in stealin’ sometimes.

Please write back quick though ‘cause the police are beatin’ down on my door right now. I’ll be right there!

Best,
Ben Stealin, 41
Phoenix, AZ.

Dear Ben,
I hope this letter finds you, somewhere other than the in "The Clink". That’s “old timey” talk for jail. They used to say a lot of weird phrases like that in the earlier to mid part of the 1900’s. My favorite is when you order scrambled eggs. They would go, “Two eggs, wreck ‘em” . They used to call a pistol, a Roscoe too. That’s messed up huh?

I don't understand the term "Cat Burglar". I wonder if the crazy old lady at the end of the block(you know the one) who never leaves the house went around and stole all those damn cats. She just keeps swipin' them up and lettin' poop wherever they want. Gross!!

“I got caught stealin’ once when I was five”, remember that song? What a great song. Man, that takes me back. I used to love cruisin’ to that. I still love cruising for chicks though. I have a candy apple red Mazda Miata and it is a poon tang magnet. I like to pump a little Jay-Z through the sound system and zip down the coast to Tijuana and get a little strange south of the border. Yeah!
Anyway’s good luck Hombre, I gotta jet. Dr. Tony’s gone all Hollywood and shit.

Peace,

Dr. Tony