Rock Out with your *&^% Out!

Dr. Tony Wassup?

I don’t start letters with the word Dear, because I’m not some Queerhound. My name is Jeb Steel, and I’m a roadie for one of the hottest upcoming Industrial Metal bands in the the world, SNARFHUSTLE. I like to call them the SNARF, or when I am really tired or in a hurry it’s SH. Which lead me to call them SHITHEADS when I was pissed off at them , but that is very rare my friend.

So, me and this sound and light tech were experimenting with this drug called The Slap, it is a super upper, like speed, but faster, way faster, like greased lightning!

So we are pushing each other around having a real time with the drugs and what-not right before the show and then we realize that time has just flown by and we have to start the show. So I am all fucked up and seeing rainbows and I decide I am going to watch my friend in action at the board.

So the SNARF is really kicking some major Fuckin’ ass on stage when the Slap starts taking effect and my buddy is going fuckin crazy at the board hitting switches and pulling levers, it was A-fuckin’ mazing. Now he is a big dude, and at this point is sweating like a fucking tropical rainstorm multiplied by eight thousand million or something. He goes to touch the board with his fat sweaty sausage fingery drenched hand and BOOM! His piggy fat body gets electrocuted and starts on fire! Now I am freaking out because I am so screwed up I see this big round rainbow man on fire so I try to save him by putting him out with a stream of my own hot rainbow piss. I pull out my pink guitar, and let her rip, and Then I get electrocuted, cause a current from the board travels up the stream of piss to my ding dong. The crowd gets even more crazy now ‘cause they think it’s all part of the show, and the SNARF is having like the greatest show ever. The whole place bursts into flames. Over 230 people parished in the hell blaze, the SNARF get out unharmed, but my friend is now a baked potato. The worst part of this whole mess, is my junk has now got bad burns on it. What do I do to keep it from falling off like a brittle overcooked banana?

Cool,
Jeb Steel

P.S. I can send you some Snarfhustle Tapes!


Dear Mr. Steel

You sound like you live quite a life filled with drugs and booze and I am sure, ladies! I’m also sorry to hear about your friend. Next time consider using the appropriate fire extinguisher instead of urine to put out the blaze.

The best concert I ever went to was The Grateful Dead. They are no SNARFHUSTLE I’m sure, but they knew how to party! DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS! “Riding that train, High on Cocaine!” Yeah! I used to love that cocaine, before I went to Doctor school. I used to get so much on my face I would look like Santy Clause. HO! HO! HO!

This is the season of giving and I want to give you some advice. If you mix uppers and downers you will go on a rollercoaster ride of senses man, and that “ain’t” no joke Jack!

Put a little Vitamin E on your genitals, and soak soak soak them in Epsom.


Happy Jolidays!

Dr. Tony

THE AMERICAN STANDARD

Dear Dr. Tony,

Yippidity Doody Da! It’s my favorite time of year! The fourth of mutha truckin july father flippers! Yeah yeah!!!! I love blowin’ shit up! I drop a cool grand every year on rockets and sparklies and widowmakers. I don’t care if I cant pay my rent or send out my alimony this is America, and Im an American. Don’t Flunk with me see?

I am a United States marine corp. veteren from the Gulf War numero uno. I was punchin’ camel spiders while you were still wipin’ your stupid puppet ass!

Sorry, I get patriomitotic some times. Like if I see someone lightin’s an American flag on fire I will take a sock filled with nuts and bolts and crack‘em over the friggity skull.

The reason I am writin’ today is because my sister brings her stupid kids over to my stupid house every snip snappity 4th of July. Last year I told my nephew, Spanknoodle, to hold the bucket of water I would put sparklers out in and I accidentally stabbed him through the heart. Luckily the heat from the hot poker like sparkler caudermerized the wound so he just can’t play sports now is all.

This year I wants to play it safe. The rest of the citizens of Possum hole, don’t trust me around they’s kids and I wish they wouldn’t be afraid of me. I have only accidentally killed 3 kids in 45 years, I would say that ain’t to bad.

One I blew up with a full stick of dynamite, and as god is my witness I tried to duck tape him back together on the way to the ER but they pronounced his mess dead on arrival.

The second kid I tied to a sky rocket and he flew off into space. We assumed he died or is livin’ on the moon ‘cause we never heard back from him. I wonder if they eat cheese on the moon?

The third and final kid I done killed I tricked into eating a box of snap pops. He sure looked funny eating mild explosives.

Oh and I almost forgot I killed Granny with a Roman Candle to the face. But she was old anyways, we assumed it was just her time.

Do you have any fancy medical advice for 4th of July safety this year?


Woodrow P. Sandblute
Possum Hole, W. Virginia
USA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Dear Woodrow,

My my my, you have quite a dirty mouth on you. Shame Shame Shame! On this the eve of our nations independence, you get a pass because you share the name of our 28th president, Woodrow Wilson. That’s aces in my book!

Yes the 4th of July is a very dangerous day indeed! More people sign up for Amputeedate.com the week after the 4th more than any other week of the year!!!!! That is a lot of people “ lookin’ for nub in all the wrong places” A he hehe heh . Anywhoozzle, I would never date anybody who was missin’ a limb. I love nothin’ more than a woman with ten toes and ten fingers. SEXY TIME! I don’t know what I would do I I was dating a girl and she was missing a leg. I bet I would grab for my trusty shotgun, and brandish it at her head, and shout, “Go on now and git! “ I wish artificial limbs were made out of Lego blocks. You could take them apart if you were bored and build castles or sailboats. That sounds fun. Youth is certainly wasted on the young, If I knew then what I know now, I would screw anything with a pulse.

Hope that answers your question!

Best,

Dr. Tony

P.S. Remember, I’m just a GD puppet, well you know the rest.