THE AMERICAN STANDARD
Dear Dr. Tony,
Yippidity Doody Da! It’s my favorite time of year! The fourth of mutha truckin july father flippers! Yeah yeah!!!! I love blowin’ shit up! I drop a cool grand every year on rockets and sparklies and widowmakers. I don’t care if I cant pay my rent or send out my alimony this is America, and Im an American. Don’t Flunk with me see?
I am a United States marine corp. veteren from the Gulf War numero uno. I was punchin’ camel spiders while you were still wipin’ your stupid puppet ass!
Sorry, I get patriomitotic some times. Like if I see someone lightin’s an American flag on fire I will take a sock filled with nuts and bolts and crack‘em over the friggity skull.
The reason I am writin’ today is because my sister brings her stupid kids over to my stupid house every snip snappity 4th of July. Last year I told my nephew, Spanknoodle, to hold the bucket of water I would put sparklers out in and I accidentally stabbed him through the heart. Luckily the heat from the hot poker like sparkler caudermerized the wound so he just can’t play sports now is all.
This year I wants to play it safe. The rest of the citizens of Possum hole, don’t trust me around they’s kids and I wish they wouldn’t be afraid of me. I have only accidentally killed 3 kids in 45 years, I would say that ain’t to bad.
One I blew up with a full stick of dynamite, and as god is my witness I tried to duck tape him back together on the way to the ER but they pronounced his mess dead on arrival.
The second kid I tied to a sky rocket and he flew off into space. We assumed he died or is livin’ on the moon ‘cause we never heard back from him. I wonder if they eat cheese on the moon?
The third and final kid I done killed I tricked into eating a box of snap pops. He sure looked funny eating mild explosives.
Oh and I almost forgot I killed Granny with a Roman Candle to the face. But she was old anyways, we assumed it was just her time.
Do you have any fancy medical advice for 4th of July safety this year?
Woodrow P. Sandblute
Possum Hole, W. Virginia
USA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Woodrow,
My my my, you have quite a dirty mouth on you. Shame Shame Shame! On this the eve of our nations independence, you get a pass because you share the name of our 28th president, Woodrow Wilson. That’s aces in my book!
Yes the 4th of July is a very dangerous day indeed! More people sign up for Amputeedate.com the week after the 4th more than any other week of the year!!!!! That is a lot of people “ lookin’ for nub in all the wrong places” A he hehe heh . Anywhoozzle, I would never date anybody who was missin’ a limb. I love nothin’ more than a woman with ten toes and ten fingers. SEXY TIME! I don’t know what I would do I I was dating a girl and she was missing a leg. I bet I would grab for my trusty shotgun, and brandish it at her head, and shout, “Go on now and git! “ I wish artificial limbs were made out of Lego blocks. You could take them apart if you were bored and build castles or sailboats. That sounds fun. Youth is certainly wasted on the young, If I knew then what I know now, I would screw anything with a pulse.
Hope that answers your question!
Best,
Dr. Tony
P.S. Remember, I’m just a GD puppet, well you know the rest.
Yippidity Doody Da! It’s my favorite time of year! The fourth of mutha truckin july father flippers! Yeah yeah!!!! I love blowin’ shit up! I drop a cool grand every year on rockets and sparklies and widowmakers. I don’t care if I cant pay my rent or send out my alimony this is America, and Im an American. Don’t Flunk with me see?
I am a United States marine corp. veteren from the Gulf War numero uno. I was punchin’ camel spiders while you were still wipin’ your stupid puppet ass!
Sorry, I get patriomitotic some times. Like if I see someone lightin’s an American flag on fire I will take a sock filled with nuts and bolts and crack‘em over the friggity skull.
The reason I am writin’ today is because my sister brings her stupid kids over to my stupid house every snip snappity 4th of July. Last year I told my nephew, Spanknoodle, to hold the bucket of water I would put sparklers out in and I accidentally stabbed him through the heart. Luckily the heat from the hot poker like sparkler caudermerized the wound so he just can’t play sports now is all.
This year I wants to play it safe. The rest of the citizens of Possum hole, don’t trust me around they’s kids and I wish they wouldn’t be afraid of me. I have only accidentally killed 3 kids in 45 years, I would say that ain’t to bad.
One I blew up with a full stick of dynamite, and as god is my witness I tried to duck tape him back together on the way to the ER but they pronounced his mess dead on arrival.
The second kid I tied to a sky rocket and he flew off into space. We assumed he died or is livin’ on the moon ‘cause we never heard back from him. I wonder if they eat cheese on the moon?
The third and final kid I done killed I tricked into eating a box of snap pops. He sure looked funny eating mild explosives.
Oh and I almost forgot I killed Granny with a Roman Candle to the face. But she was old anyways, we assumed it was just her time.
Do you have any fancy medical advice for 4th of July safety this year?
Woodrow P. Sandblute
Possum Hole, W. Virginia
USA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Woodrow,
My my my, you have quite a dirty mouth on you. Shame Shame Shame! On this the eve of our nations independence, you get a pass because you share the name of our 28th president, Woodrow Wilson. That’s aces in my book!
Yes the 4th of July is a very dangerous day indeed! More people sign up for Amputeedate.com the week after the 4th more than any other week of the year!!!!! That is a lot of people “ lookin’ for nub in all the wrong places” A he hehe heh . Anywhoozzle, I would never date anybody who was missin’ a limb. I love nothin’ more than a woman with ten toes and ten fingers. SEXY TIME! I don’t know what I would do I I was dating a girl and she was missing a leg. I bet I would grab for my trusty shotgun, and brandish it at her head, and shout, “Go on now and git! “ I wish artificial limbs were made out of Lego blocks. You could take them apart if you were bored and build castles or sailboats. That sounds fun. Youth is certainly wasted on the young, If I knew then what I know now, I would screw anything with a pulse.
Hope that answers your question!
Best,
Dr. Tony
P.S. Remember, I’m just a GD puppet, well you know the rest.
posted by Tony Sam at 12:47 AM
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