Ask Dr. Tony

Rock Out with your *&^% Out!

2008-12-18T17:44:00.001-08:00

Dr. Tony Wassup?

I don’t start letters with the word Dear, because I’m not some Queerhound. My name is Jeb Steel, and I’m a roadie for one of the hottest upcoming Industrial Metal bands in the the world, SNARFHUSTLE. I like to call them the SNARF, or when I am really tired or in a hurry it’s SH. Which lead me to call them SHITHEADS when I was pissed off at them , but that is very rare my friend.

So, me and this sound and light tech were experimenting with this drug called The Slap, it is a super upper, like speed, but faster, way faster, like greased lightning!

So we are pushing each other around having a real time with the drugs and what-not right before the show and then we realize that time has just flown by and we have to start the show. So I am all fucked up and seeing rainbows and I decide I am going to watch my friend in action at the board.

So the SNARF is really kicking some major Fuckin’ ass on stage when the Slap starts taking effect and my buddy is going fuckin crazy at the board hitting switches and pulling levers, it was A-fuckin’ mazing. Now he is a big dude, and at this point is sweating like a fucking tropical rainstorm multiplied by eight thousand million or something. He goes to touch the board with his fat sweaty sausage fingery drenched hand and BOOM! His piggy fat body gets electrocuted and starts on fire! Now I am freaking out because I am so screwed up I see this big round rainbow man on fire so I try to save him by putting him out with a stream of my own hot rainbow piss. I pull out my pink guitar, and let her rip, and Then I get electrocuted, cause a current from the board travels up the stream of piss to my ding dong. The crowd gets even more crazy now ‘cause they think it’s all part of the show, and the SNARF is having like the greatest show ever. The whole place bursts into flames. Over 230 people parished in the hell blaze, the SNARF get out unharmed, but my friend is now a baked potato. The worst part of this whole mess, is my junk has now got bad burns on it. What do I do to keep it from falling off like a brittle overcooked banana?

Cool,
Jeb Steel

P.S. I can send you some Snarfhustle Tapes!

Dear Mr. Steel

You sound like you live quite a life filled with drugs and booze and I am sure, ladies! I’m also sorry to hear about your friend. Next time consider using the appropriate fire extinguisher instead of urine to put out the blaze.

The best concert I ever went to was The Grateful Dead. They are no SNARFHUSTLE I’m sure, but they knew how to party! DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS! “Riding that train, High on Cocaine!” Yeah! I used to love that cocaine, before I went to Doctor school. I used to get so much on my face I would look like Santy Clause. HO! HO! HO!

This is the season of giving and I want to give you some advice. If you mix uppers and downers you will go on a rollercoaster ride of senses man, and that “ain’t” no joke Jack!

Put a little Vitamin E on your genitals, and soak soak soak them in Epsom.

Happy Jolidays!

Dr. Tony

THE AMERICAN STANDARD

2008-12-17T00:47:00.001-08:00

Dear Dr. Tony,

Yippidity Doody Da! It’s my favorite time of year! The fourth of mutha truckin july father flippers! Yeah yeah!!!! I love blowin’ shit up! I drop a cool grand every year on rockets and sparklies and widowmakers. I don’t care if I cant pay my rent or send out my alimony this is America, and Im an American. Don’t Flunk with me see?

I am a United States marine corp. veteren from the Gulf War numero uno. I was punchin’ camel spiders while you were still wipin’ your stupid puppet ass!

Sorry, I get patriomitotic some times. Like if I see someone lightin’s an American flag on fire I will take a sock filled with nuts and bolts and crack‘em over the friggity skull.

The reason I am writin’ today is because my sister brings her stupid kids over to my stupid house every snip snappity 4th of July. Last year I told my nephew, Spanknoodle, to hold the bucket of water I would put sparklers out in and I accidentally stabbed him through the heart. Luckily the heat from the hot poker like sparkler caudermerized the wound so he just can’t play sports now is all.

This year I wants to play it safe. The rest of the citizens of Possum hole, don’t trust me around they’s kids and I wish they wouldn’t be afraid of me. I have only accidentally killed 3 kids in 45 years, I would say that ain’t to bad.

One I blew up with a full stick of dynamite, and as god is my witness I tried to duck tape him back together on the way to the ER but they pronounced his mess dead on arrival.

The second kid I tied to a sky rocket and he flew off into space. We assumed he died or is livin’ on the moon ‘cause we never heard back from him. I wonder if they eat cheese on the moon?

The third and final kid I done killed I tricked into eating a box of snap pops. He sure looked funny eating mild explosives.

Oh and I almost forgot I killed Granny with a Roman Candle to the face. But she was old anyways, we assumed it was just her time.

Do you have any fancy medical advice for 4th of July safety this year?

Woodrow P. Sandblute
Possum Hole, W. Virginia
USA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Woodrow,

My my my, you have quite a dirty mouth on you. Shame Shame Shame! On this the eve of our nations independence, you get a pass because you share the name of our 28th president, Woodrow Wilson. That’s aces in my book!

Yes the 4th of July is a very dangerous day indeed! More people sign up for Amputeedate.com the week after the 4th more than any other week of the year!!!!! That is a lot of people “ lookin’ for nub in all the wrong places” A he hehe heh . Anywhoozzle, I would never date anybody who was missin’ a limb. I love nothin’ more than a woman with ten toes and ten fingers. SEXY TIME! I don’t know what I would do I I was dating a girl and she was missing a leg. I bet I would grab for my trusty shotgun, and brandish it at her head, and shout, “Go on now and git! “ I wish artificial limbs were made out of Lego blocks. You could take them apart if you were bored and build castles or sailboats. That sounds fun. Youth is certainly wasted on the young, If I knew then what I know now, I would screw anything with a pulse.

Hope that answers your question!

Best,

Dr. Tony

P.S. Remember, I’m just a GD puppet, well you know the rest.

Star Watcher

2008-04-09T22:40:00.000-07:00

Dearest Doctor Tony,

Welcome to La La Land. I work at a bakery, a very exclusive fancy bakery at that. I deal with Hollywood’s elite and I thought I could cash in on all the celebrity exposure I am privy too. I started photocopying the receipts of all the celebrities that buy stuff so I can publish them in a book I am writing called, “Cash Register Receipts to the Stars!”. That’s pretty clever huh? I know it is!

I try to make small talk with them but they get all squirmy and try to scoot out of the place quickly. I corner them usually and then demand to take a picture with them using my camera phone.

Well one day I was photocopying some receipts and my hand got stuck in the fax/copier/printer scanner. It’s a four in one! Well the gears pulled my hand inside and copied the crap out of it. It’s all chewed up and at least five shades lighter now than the rest of my body. My boyfriend calls me pecan tan, but now I look like a dummy. Everyone at work gives me the business and calls me, “Stupid Hand”. I think it’s infected too, because my pinky fell off. Whoops!

I am also a big cake head. I love cake. My face looks like a pepperoni pizza these days and I thinks it’s cause of all the sweets I eat and my ass is getting fatter than ever. I limit myself to only one slice a cake every few hours, but I am covered in zits and am gaining weight at a rapid rate. My fat belly looks like a cartoonish tire with a patch on it. My butt is bloated like two footballs overfilled with air.

I’m a mess. Please Help!

Gloria Dunderman – 29
Mission Viejo, CA.

Dear Gloria,

You are a naughty bird. Naughty, Naughty. I don’t swim in your toilet so don’t pee in my pool. You ever heard that expression? It’s fits your sorry soul to a tee! Just a little jab, no harm. Celebrities are people too. Like me for instance, I don’t want to be given hand pleasure at the dry cleaners just because the people there know me. I will object once or twice, but then I will give in and hose ‘em down with my baby juice.

I like cupcakes, ya know. They are like tiny cakes. I have a recurring dream that I am a on a gondola in a sea of cream cheese icing, and I run aground on a red velvet cupcake shore. Oh No! No worries, I just get some candy sprinkles from below deck off the gondola (that’s right playa!) and jimmy my way off the moist cocoa sweet reef, only to be attacked by a chocolate tornado.

Yikes! That was so decadent and scary. I made it out alive though. People say that if you die in your dream you die in real life. I say that’s dumb. People who believe that also believe in Freddy Kruger, and the Boogey Man. Hey Idiot I just acquired some swampland in Alaska, you want a few acres?

Good luck you dope. j/k, j/k!!

Dr. Tony

Cat Burglar

2008-04-09T00:38:00.000-07:00

It’s been awhile friends. Your old pal Dr. T was movin across the country to set up shop in L.A. I got me a little taste for sun and skin, relaxed for spell, sired a few kids and decided to get right back on the horse and help someone out. Here’s a doosie:

Dear Dr. Tony,
First time writer, long time reader. I have been following your career closely, very closely. I am no creep though. I have only been arrested once and that was a long time ago. Some things are better left alone. Understand?
So here is my problem. I like stealing. I love stealing. Steal. Steal. Steal. I am addicted to stealing. I’ll steal shit that when worked out on paper makes less sense than it did in my head!

I like to steal underwear, lipstick, jewels, babies, blue things, sports cars, gym bags, mobile homes, wigs, cans, shoes, the Grandma you like, not the one you don’t like, and HoneyBees. I stole the bees than I stole their G.D. Honey. You know, shit like that.

I once took this guys glasses right off his friggin’ face! The guy was all like, “Hey my glasses!” and then I socked him in the mouth and was like, “Eat a Crap Sandwich!” then I was like I’m sorry I take it back. I stole back the remark I just made to him! In your face
glasses!

I get a real high from stealin’. I mean I get really aroused. The only thing that will take off the edge is watchin’ old Double Dare episodes.

What do I do? I stole the paper and pen to write this letter. I’m really sick in the head. I thought about comin’ down and stealin’ your sorry ass. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I get all caught up in stealin’ sometimes.

Please write back quick though ‘cause the police are beatin’ down on my door right now. I’ll be right there!

Best,
Ben Stealin, 41
Phoenix, AZ.

Dear Ben,
I hope this letter finds you, somewhere other than the in "The Clink". That’s “old timey” talk for jail. They used to say a lot of weird phrases like that in the earlier to mid part of the 1900’s. My favorite is when you order scrambled eggs. They would go, “Two eggs, wreck ‘em” . They used to call a pistol, a Roscoe too. That’s messed up huh?

I don't understand the term "Cat Burglar". I wonder if the crazy old lady at the end of the block(you know the one) who never leaves the house went around and stole all those damn cats. She just keeps swipin' them up and lettin' poop wherever they want. Gross!!

“I got caught stealin’ once when I was five”, remember that song? What a great song. Man, that takes me back. I used to love cruisin’ to that. I still love cruising for chicks though. I have a candy apple red Mazda Miata and it is a poon tang magnet. I like to pump a little Jay-Z through the sound system and zip down the coast to Tijuana and get a little strange south of the border. Yeah!
Anyway’s good luck Hombre, I gotta jet. Dr. Tony’s gone all Hollywood and shit.

Peace,

Dr. Tony

Pizza head

2007-11-04T08:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Dr. T,

I hail from the deep south, in the Kentucky fried state of Alabama. Moline to be precize. I have got a “friend” who has a cundition something awful. My, I mean his hair is coming out in clumps and basket fulls, and I think he’s got something called, Alapizza. Now, I am no perfressional like yerself, but when my pal first told me that term, I was like that sure sounds I-talian. Kinda like, “hey here’s yer pizza”. I only eat American food, by the by, I don’t want to turn into no homosensual.

So my friends head looks like a giant bird egg nestled on a bed of fluffy hair. Only this egg has a face and a body attached to it. He used to have a giant fluffy afro, because he was a clown in the circus. His name was Puffy. He has got a serious weight problem too. I mean who wants to be with a bloated bald circus clown? I wouldn’t. Most of the time it is hard cause all his friends think being a clown is not American and they threaten to tie him to their Ford F150, and drag the clown right out of his hippy ass. I say that is down right cruel. I am amerc….he is American as apple pie and fried lamb balls.

What do I do about this alapizza and everything?

Sunserly,

Gabriel T. FartMuffin

Dear, Gabe

I don’t want to add insult to injury but you also sound like a goddam moron. Tell me if I am way off here, but you are pretty dumb right? The problem you have is called alopecia and it is highly contagious. Do me a solid and wrap yourself in Hefty bags right now! You don’t want to get everyone bald do you? This is not laughing matter I assure you. The next step you have to take is cut off all ties to the outside world, they are now your enemy. Refuse all mail, and don’t answer the phone, and only eat Ritz crackers. They are the only brand that is guaranteed implant safe.

Now cover your head in foil so the aliens get into your head, and go sit in the bathtub, it’s the only safe place to be.

I don’t really have time for this today, I just got cable and have been watching a lot of the sci-fi channel lately. I want to get back to watching my programs. I will say this, after watching the sci-fi channel for 2 days straight, I am no longer impressed by lasers. They are boring!

Good luck, and remember, I am only a G.D. puppet what in the wide wide world of sport do I know about anything.

Love,

Dr. Tony

P.S. Ask Dr. Tony is now sponsored by Hefty and Ritz , get some today!

Home Pregnancy Test

2007-08-13T21:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. So and So,

My name is Brenda T. Smooten, and I think I might have a baby kicking around in my drawers. My britches get real itchy, and my belly is big like a watermelon. I am pretty heavy as it is, but now my belly moves and jiggles, and get's angry. It feels like I done ate a twelve pack of sliders all the time, and chased it with a Ginger Beer.

I have to make doodie poop all the time too. What do you think? I ain't ever had sexual intercourse, on account of I am fugly. My pop tells me so every day. It's o.k. he means well. I think I might have the baby jesus in my belly. You think that'd make me rich like Donald Trump? I have better hair then him , so it'll be okay. Well...I had scarlet fever and it made all my hair keep fallin' out, but I have a real pretty wig I made from my dog, Scratchy's hair he shed.

I look like Barbara Streisand. I reckon.

My favorite thing you say is how you is just a Puppet and that we should remember it. Goddamit!

HA!

Thanks and answer my question quick, I might just pop.

Brenda 45, Jackson, MS.

Dear Brenda,

Baby Jesus's, or Jesi as we call them are pretty common actually so don't go thinking, "Hey! Look at me I am the King of Siam, I got a Gold baby Jesus!". Sometimes they don't even come out gold at all. I once delivered a lead baby Jesus once. Completely worthless.

In my opinion Chocalate Jesi are the best. Much better than Easter Bunny ones. I wonder if it is smart to take half a mushroom before giving medical advice?

My God the room is a rainbow!!!! Wow, Far out! My hand can pass through objects. I am totally serious dude. I am going to shit in a coffee cup. Mother Scratcher!!!

Brenda....Brenda...B-R-E-N-D-A ha ha your name is pretty fly. Fly like an Eagle to the sea

I going to eat a...........

Stuff is cool.

yonT .rD

Carrots filled with RAGE!

2007-08-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Tony,

I am a Prop comic, and have a problem. I all started out very innocent, I would go on stage with a chest full of bullshit, I actually referred to it in my act as the “Chest of Bullshit”.

At any rate I was doing my stupid obvious act for a long time, and then one day I was walking past a GNC, and I thought to myself, “ Hey Self, are you tired of getting sand kicked in your face at the beach? Are you tired of get your black leather thong underpants pulled up your ass-crack and over your head? ‘Cause I sure am.”

Anyways, I was a lanky goofy redhead,

and I looked like the character in that movie that Eic Stoltz played, you know Mask. Man I would love to get into a Time Machine and go back to when that movie was made ‘cause I would bone Cher real good. Not now though, she looks like a bowling bag with black hair. Ickkk!!!!!! But that all changed, I am a real sack of man beef now though. I look like a goddam juiced up troll doll.

I bought everything off the shelves and loaded my body with proteins, and electrolytes, and joined Gold’s Gym. I started lifting weights like crazy, I mean stupid crazy. I put weights on my weights I was so smitten with the shit. My muscles bulged, and I couldn’t get strong fast enough, so then I started shooting steroids, and I got big fast. I had muscles on my muscles which worked out cause of my weights on the weights thing, but I was really mad all the time.

In the middle of my bullshit comedy routine, I was doing a joke where I have a stuffed bee, and I am all like Bee – Leave me Bee leave me, I repeat it because on the second or third time one or two people laugh all the time, I call it my money shot three-peat.

Any way, nobody laughs and I get fucking so pissed, I rip the Bee doll in half and say, “ Fuck Everybody! Fuck the World!” I start beating everybody up, and I make love to all the girls in the room. I mean I guess it’s a matter of perspective, I was making love, and the girls were receiving unwanted sexual advances.

Is love a crime? No. Any way I am so pissed off right now I want to punch this computer in the face. Fuck you words, fuck you words,, Fuck you Dr. Tony, What’s wrong with me? Fuck you, please help.

Carrot Top
Las Vegas, NV.

Dear Mr. Carrot Top,
I am just a puppet Dr. weak and frail, and don’t want to anger the obvious horde of demons lurking around in that bizarre, yet engaging skull of yours.

I don’t see a thing wrong with you, hell if anything there is something wrong with me, yes sure thing, that’s what it is…it’s me. I apologize. What a sad state of affairs this world has come to. When a bad prop comic can’t fill his body full of substances and become an incredible hulk.

Kudos to you, sir. Kudos to strength comedy!

Sincerely Dr. Tony.

P.S. I am sorry.

The Stone Skipper

2007-07-06T18:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Tony,

First If I may, I would just like to say how attractive I find you. You must realize how hard it is for a confident strapping young heterosexual male to say so about an inanimate object. Surely they broke the mold after such a masterpiece was created. I mean…really.

So I was skipping stones with my nephew down by creek by the old mill in my home town about two weeks ago. We are standing there minding our business when out of nowhere a condor soars down and impales my nephew through his friggin’ face. At first I’m all hahaha that’s real funny take that joke bird out of your face, and then he’s all cryin’ and shit and I am like Whoa! There is a giant bird of prey stuck in my nephews head. I pick him up and carry him back to my station wagon( I call it the brown beast, but that is not important right now) I get back to the station wagon, and haul some major ass to a gas station and ask if I can get some towels or water or anything to get this bird out of my brothers youngest child. Only everywhere I go everybody keep laughin. I mean it is pretty funny at this point because the bird has died, and it is letting out a last shit rainstorm everywhere. I mean it kinda looks like the birds dead ass is a caulk gun, but that’s not important. Long story short. My brother is coming back into town tommorow, and my nephew stopped moving like three days ago, what do you think I should do? I got to be honest every time I try to say something to the kid, I just start laughin’ and say “just like your old man huh”? Then I go get a sandwich and forget he’s alive.

Please help.

Cory Butterton, 25

Well Cory I gotta tell ya, Goddamit that’s Funny, but in a dark bizarre happy go lucky so of way. Thanks for the kind words at the top of your letter. This hunk of man love only knows how to draw straight lines my man , if you hear what I’m sayin.

You’re in deep shit pal. Don’t you watch old movies? Never go by the old mill! No good can come of it. I’d say if anything you were lucky your nephew became a bird kabob, and you didn’t get attacked by a zombie or a crazy in a hockey mask. And who the fuck is skipping stones? Do me a favor, why don’t you and the Beav run down to the soda jerk and pick up Ward and June a bottle of reality, preferably 2007.

You called the condor in your nephew’s face a bird of prey. I watch a lot of Sci-fi and that makes me think of Star Trek. I have been to a lot of conventions and had my fair share of nerd girl poonany. That’s the only reason I go, because they are dens of sex. Sci-Fi euphemisms (I need warp drive power in your vahina now scotty!) being throw back and forth, which at the very least will get you a guilt free hand job. Most of the time I go for the real frumpy ones, they just want to make someone happy, I’m talking serious in flagrante dilicto!

So Cory I hope that answers your question, Besides I'm pretty sure the bastard’s dead.

And remember, blah blah blah.

Dr. Tony

DEVIL WOMAN

2007-05-21T21:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Tony,

My name is Roberta Blutheart and I have a serious question. I am a woman, a sexy woman, in fact most men want to jump my loins when they first catch hold of the sight of my smoking hot britches. That is besides the point. I am afraid I might have contracted something real crazy like a sex disease or one of those diseases you can get from having sex. I like saying sex…a lot. I know, I know, that is very unlike a “lady” to talk that way, but I will be the first to tell you, I am the closest thing to a man you can get to without a dick. I love me a throw in the hay, all day you know what I mean? They called me Roberta the Flirta on account-a all the first dates I would go on in high school. I took the first seed out of a mess of boy’s a whole mess of ‘em.

So like I said I am afraid I might of contracted some disease, ‘cause once o’ month I start bleeding from my unmentionables and I get pissier than an old man who loss his bladder control. I mean I want to bitch and moan all day about everything.

Am I dying or possessed by the devil hisself?

Please help,

Sincerely,
Roberta Blutheart
Cairo, Il.

Dear Roberta,

Gadzooks!!!! Devil’s are no laughing matter. I have been afraid of them since I got socked in the head by a hockey puck at a New Jersey Devil’s hockey game in the early 80’s. My parents left me for dead in the stadium among some half eaten hot dogs, and a box of nachos. The stench of highly processed food was the only thing that kept me from going towards that sweet cold beautiful light. At any rate, after being pulled back from the icey grip of death, I had a lot of trouble watching Looney Tunes cartoons in fear of seeing that monstrous ne're-do-well, the tazmanian devil. AHHHHHH! Scary Shit Dudette. That son of a bitch is like a musky hairy shitstorm tornado. He doesn’t even say words for Christ Sakes! Just a bunch of grunts and clicks like the devil has got a hold of the poor beasts tongue himself. “ blah blue Blah blah blue blah”

Sorry pal, We speak-a the English here.

Then we come to the worst of the worst. Devil’s food cake. The devil must be a fat motherfucker if he is sitting on his sorry ass eating cake all day. Cake. The ruler of the netherworld, lord of evil, all he wants is cake. Sound’s like the lord of darkness is a little special. Ya know, like Rain Man. Dustin Hoffman he is not.
I wonder what it would be like to make out with Tom Cruise?

Oh my! I am possessed, it’s the devil talking through me, oh! Why is he making me BULGE to Tom Cruise! Damn You Devil! Damn You!!!!!!

Good luck Roberta! Stick a cork in it!

Sincerely,

Dr. Tony

P.S. Remember, I am just a goddam puppet. What in the hell do I know?

Ask Dr. Tony LIVE!!!!

2007-04-29T19:56:00.000-07:00

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Ask Dr. Tony #2 - Fraternity Blues

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Fraternity Woes

2007-04-29T19:51:00.000-07:00

Long time no talk! I just got back from a long vacation in the tropics and i am ready to start helping you again. My little hands are sore from the hot sun but that is my burden. Let's get to it!

Dear Dr. Tony,

My name is rick and I am a real badass, you dig? I am a 3rd year senior at a local university and I am in a fraternity. I am kinda a dickhead too.

I have tried and tried but now matter how hard I do no one wants to give me the secret handshake when I am out at a eatin place or local waterin hole. I will go up to someone and tug on my shirt collar, then we initiate some awkward dialog, but then it turns out they were never in a frat and I look like a muther fuckin muther fucker.

I can’t sniff out a fellow brother like I used too. I wish I had gaydar but for other frat brothers. I am not gay or nuthin if that’s what yur thinking that would be gayballs.

I often have nightmares about the way I was hazed. Previous therapy sessions told me to re-enact the traumatic events. The only problem is , I can’t find 8 other guys to do the elephant walk with me.

So if you know how I can shake this behavior I would sure appreciate it, cause I just want to be a normal person.

Rick Doushbag, 23 Moline.

I certainly do!

Firstly for those of your who don’t know what an elephant walk is. It where you and a group of guys disrobe and grab each others dicks and then walk in a circle. Did you know that the greeks still do it to this very day. Well did you?

You know I have played my fair share of parlor games myself Rick. I like to get a few of my old puppet pals together and we will play a little soggy biscuit well into the wee hours of the night.

It’s real fun unless you’re the piece of shit who has to eat the cracker.

Ha ha ha.

That’s not all we do. You know people think Puppet doctors just like throwing wine and cheees parties with their stuffy puppet doctor friends.

Not the case. We play all sorts of crazy games like who can shit the most in a bucket, or whose balls weigh more, you know real kiddie stuff.

One time we played a gamed where we would throw rocks at each other until someone cried out CORNOCOPIA!!!!!!!!!, you know, the safe word. And then we took a broomstick and broke it off in that crybaby’s ass.

So rick, its totally ok to feel scared and afraid sometimes. Hell...I am scared right now. Whoah!!!!!

I don’t even remember what we were talking about. Oh yeah. You were in a fraternity.

What a turdburglar.

Good luck Rick!

Sincerely,

Dr. Tony

P.S.

Remember. I am just a goddam pupptet what the hell do I know hahahahahah eah

Christmas Crazy!

2006-12-16T14:24:00.000-08:00

Well, it has certainly been awhile hasn’t it? Hmmmm? I would like to extend a heartfelt apology to all my readers as I have been away from helping those in need. You see it really is out of my control. You as the reader are led to assume that I was attending to very serious medical matters, but in truth I was given a Nintendo DS and I just can’t put the goddam thing down!

I have been playing Brain Age for the last several months and haven’t left my place of residence but a handful of times. I look like hell and smell like death. In happier news though, my Brain Age is 22. Up yours everybody!

Now you have to understand that I try to help as many people as I can but, my little felt hands can’t keep up with all those letters. I suggest most of you invest in a pet bird or fish. That will take care of about 90% of you cookoo birds.

So here is today’s letter:

Dear Dr. Tony,

I am really in low spirits as I write this letter. The lowest I have been in a long while. Christmas time makes me sad, I mean real sad. The saddest sad of the Sadtown Saddies kind of sad. I don’t know why I get so sad around the holidays. I assume I had a normal childhood just like anyone else. On December 1st we would go to the local Chistmas Tree farm and shout obscenities at the trees until the one with the lowest self esteem fell down. The family would gather around in the evenings and we would all take shots at each other in the face with a boxing glove covered fist, and shout, “EGGNOG!”. The first person to bleed received no holiday nog. Presents were handed out based on the condition that you successfully passed a drug test. Granted that on the day after thanksgiving through Christams Eve morning we were given anabolic steroids, we had to conceal the abuse to the best of our abilities.

I just wish I could put my finger on the sadness I feel. Could you please help a poor soul looking for some holiday cheer?

Sincerely,

Glen Badass

P.S. Most of my family is dead, having O.D. on anabolic steroids.

Dear Glen,

Holy Moses!!!! What a tale. In my professional opinion, a tale like that requires some tail. Are getting regular sex? From what I gather the answer is no. I mean your testicles have probably shriveled up and your acne and woman like breasts must be unappealing to look at.

You know, some would say you seek regular psychiatric consultations. I say they wouldn’t know the difference between sheep shit and tapioca. The perfect solution is for you to watch every Rankin Bass Christmas Special ever made. Even the stupid ones, like the monster holiday party with Phyliss Diller. P.U.!!!!!!!!!!

Then, you go ahead and drink all the Nog you want. Drink more than you can stand to bear. This will force out all of the sadness.

Next, send yourself a Christmas card with a real sexy message, and sign it “Your secret admirer”. Then when you receive it, show all your friends and make them jealous.

You are going to be well on your way to happy town in no time.

I mean after all what in the name of all things Christmas do I know? I am just a goddam puppet.

Dr. Tony P.M.D.

Wolf? Where!!!?

2006-09-18T10:13:00.000-07:00

Ahhh! Well a pleasurable weekend was soiled last minute by some unwanted rain showers. Boo Hoo! Well it helped me stay on task in helping you less fortunates tend to your medical issues. Good news, folks! I have recently begun courting a beautiful Malibu Barbie.

I am at least 10 times her size, not made of hard plastic and people sure stare, but we are quite the happy couple. (as long as she doesn’t give me any lip hahahahah.)

Now, enough about me, your puppet M.D. lets get to you with the little boo boo.

Another doosie,

“Dear Dr. Tony,
My mom took sick with a wolf bite she received when we was out hunting squirrels with my new paint rifle. You should see the ways they little asses explode into neon colors when we shoots at ‘em. So, we was out and a wolf came by and bit up my mom real bad. I was able to kick the wolf to death with my boots but not before it hurt my mom real bad. Well, she got the fever something fierce and I was wondering what I need to do in orders to make the pain subside. Our town fissishawn says the only way to cure her is to starve that fever. He wrapped her all up with some band aids he had, but I haven’t fed her in days so the sick will go away, but she is getting real crazy. Please help. – C. Bumpkin, 16 ”

Holy Smokes! Wolves are scary creatures, they look like big ugly dirty dogs, and I personally would shoot one on sight. I watch a lot of television and movies and I wouldn’t want to be bit by a werewolf. I wonder how you can tell the difference? I say, let the cop killas fly and sort ‘em out later. MmmmHmmm. I think there has been only one really good werewolf movie that I would recommend to a friend. That would be the Howling. Scary business. O.K. maybe Wolf with Jack Nicholson was good too.
I like when he pees on the guys shoes and says, “I’m just marking my territory.” Hardy Har har Laugh, Laugh. The first one made with Lon Chaney Jr. was kinda dumb, It looked like he just turned into a really mad guy with a crazy beard and a bad hair cut.

" arghh! I am so mad gimme back my two bits for this hair cut!"

I wish I could turn into an animal sometimes., like a bird or a snake. Maybe a bird-snake. I could slither and fly, and then I would show the world...show everybody. I digress. Why don’t African-Americans ever become werewolves? There are black vampires, like Blade,
"Karate chop!"

and the baddest mofo to ever suck the red, Blacula.
"Shut yo mouth! " You say Horrifying, I say racist. He gets killed by "The Man".

So Mr. Bumpkin I say go and get some silver bullets and watch your back. Good luck to you, and remember I am just a goddam puppet what the hell do I know. BOING!

High Anxiety Attacks!

2006-09-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

Well, today is another wonderful day to be alive. If you are alive of course. Most of the time I sit in a bag in the closet, so you could imagine how I feel. I was asked recently, "What kind of doctor man is you anyway?" I corrected his grammer, and received a crosseyed look of bewilderment and quickly found myself staring down the barrel of his middle finger. Yikes! At any rate, I informed the miscreant that I hold a Phd( a Puppet how-do-ya do) , in various fields of life experience. Which basically means diddely piss. I had quite a chuckle, until he threw me about fifty feet where I lay on the sidewalk for birds to start trying to make a nest in my curly yarn like puppet hair(as I lack motor control of most of my body).

Anywho, today's question is from a young lady out of Oklahoma,

"Dear, Dr. Tony : I am an native-american woman who works in the construction business. I go up top and place the rivets where no one else wants to go, because generally I don't fear death, my spirit guide watches over me. My husband doesn't mind either, he is at home smoking peyote half the time because he's on disabilty. I come home, cook and clean, and then go get cheap cigarettes. Most of the time I feel like crying, the other times I feel like gambling. I feel like I am having a mental breakdown. I don't know what to do. Please help.
- P. Feathers-Proudwater, 42

Dear P. Feathers-Proudwater,

I have really had to think about this alot. I have no experience dealing with native-americans. I appreciate you not using the term "injun" to describe yourself as it offends me to no end. As a gift I received a dream catcher of which I am sure you are very familiar with. I am beginning to think it's all a bunch of simple minded mumbo jumbo to be quite honest with you. It came with no instructions, other than to hang it over my bed(which I needed help I assure you). I dream alot, most of the time I dream in electric colors inspired by the benders I frequently find myself on. Well, I wanted to see some of those dreams again so i went to the dream catcher which am I to assume works like a dream TEVO if you will? Well i will be damned if I cannot retrieve one dream from it, and I have been having some dooseys! Why just two days ago I dreamt that I had spider legs and a normal top part of my body and could wrap my enemies up in a web before devouring them later.

Of course i had no time to eat them becuase somehow i was in a limosine on my way to the oscars to present with Michael Douglas.

So you can see why I would want to see that again!! So I tried taking the dream catcher over to the sink and wringing out all the dreams into my favorite coffee cup.
Again I hit a dead end. I decided the best thing to do would be to regift the dream catcher to some other poor shlub, and let them sort out the bodies, if you catch my drift.

So, yes, you....um have you tried any of that scrumptious peyote? I sure that will do the trick. It's better for you than the fire water anyday. Like always remember, I am just a goddammed puppet what the hell do I know? BOING!

Questions!

2006-09-14T10:17:00.000-07:00

Here we go, my very first question:

" Dr. Tony, I have a series of rashes around my ankles and wrists. I am kinda scared becuase I don't know where or why I might have contracted something. They burn really bad, and my wrists smell like cheese. Please Help." - J. Porter, 36

Dear J. Porter,

I don't know much but I do know that I hate cheese. I am repulsed by the mere mention of it. In fact just writing about it has cuased me to wretch all over my brand new doctor coat. And I am not just talking about one type of cheese, mind you, all kinds. In fact, I dislike anyone who says they do like the vile dairy product.

When I was a boy I used to dream of flying a space ship to a green cheese moon. I would get out collect samples. make nice with the inhabitants, then go about my business, and return to earth a hero. This was a recurring dream that kept me quite satisfied. Then one day my family and I traversed to Wisconsin on a day trip to a cheese factory. This trip would turn out to be a frightening nightmarish journey into a hell which I will not soon be free from.

We were on the tour and my family ventured to close to the cheese mixing device, whilst I wandered off to feed my fat little face with free cheese samples. Unbeknownst to me. my family or the factory, an ancient fault ran beneath and belched out an ancient belch. The ground rumbled and in my family fell, forever encased in chedder cheese. My family persished as I gorged myself. I was devasted and vowed to avenge them some day. I have devoted most of my doctor money to a foundation based on the belief that cheese is evil. Some say my anger is misdirected, or misguided. I should really blame the geological force of the faultline, cheese is yummy and my friend, earthquakes are the real culprit. I say Hogwash, and Balderdash!!!!!!!!!!

Below are some cheeses(wretch) that I detest:

Gross!

Barfffff!

Bletccch! Cartoon cheese is the worst!

So, I hope this helps J. Porter. Get some cream or something. Remember, I am just a goddammed puppet what the hell do I know? BOING!

Ask Dr. Tony!

2006-09-13T17:12:00.000-07:00

Welcome! This is Ask Dr. Tony. Ask him anything, he's a doctor. A doctor who thinks with his heart. Dr. Tony will answer your medical questions as best as he can, but remember he's just a goddammed puppet.