Rock Out with your *&^% Out!

Dr. Tony Wassup?

I don’t start letters with the word Dear, because I’m not some Queerhound. My name is Jeb Steel, and I’m a roadie for one of the hottest upcoming Industrial Metal bands in the the world, SNARFHUSTLE. I like to call them the SNARF, or when I am really tired or in a hurry it’s SH. Which lead me to call them SHITHEADS when I was pissed off at them , but that is very rare my friend.

So, me and this sound and light tech were experimenting with this drug called The Slap, it is a super upper, like speed, but faster, way faster, like greased lightning!

So we are pushing each other around having a real time with the drugs and what-not right before the show and then we realize that time has just flown by and we have to start the show. So I am all fucked up and seeing rainbows and I decide I am going to watch my friend in action at the board.

So the SNARF is really kicking some major Fuckin’ ass on stage when the Slap starts taking effect and my buddy is going fuckin crazy at the board hitting switches and pulling levers, it was A-fuckin’ mazing. Now he is a big dude, and at this point is sweating like a fucking tropical rainstorm multiplied by eight thousand million or something. He goes to touch the board with his fat sweaty sausage fingery drenched hand and BOOM! His piggy fat body gets electrocuted and starts on fire! Now I am freaking out because I am so screwed up I see this big round rainbow man on fire so I try to save him by putting him out with a stream of my own hot rainbow piss. I pull out my pink guitar, and let her rip, and Then I get electrocuted, cause a current from the board travels up the stream of piss to my ding dong. The crowd gets even more crazy now ‘cause they think it’s all part of the show, and the SNARF is having like the greatest show ever. The whole place bursts into flames. Over 230 people parished in the hell blaze, the SNARF get out unharmed, but my friend is now a baked potato. The worst part of this whole mess, is my junk has now got bad burns on it. What do I do to keep it from falling off like a brittle overcooked banana?

Cool,
Jeb Steel

P.S. I can send you some Snarfhustle Tapes!


Dear Mr. Steel

You sound like you live quite a life filled with drugs and booze and I am sure, ladies! I’m also sorry to hear about your friend. Next time consider using the appropriate fire extinguisher instead of urine to put out the blaze.

The best concert I ever went to was The Grateful Dead. They are no SNARFHUSTLE I’m sure, but they knew how to party! DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS! “Riding that train, High on Cocaine!” Yeah! I used to love that cocaine, before I went to Doctor school. I used to get so much on my face I would look like Santy Clause. HO! HO! HO!

This is the season of giving and I want to give you some advice. If you mix uppers and downers you will go on a rollercoaster ride of senses man, and that “ain’t” no joke Jack!

Put a little Vitamin E on your genitals, and soak soak soak them in Epsom.


Happy Jolidays!

Dr. Tony

THE AMERICAN STANDARD

Dear Dr. Tony,

Yippidity Doody Da! It’s my favorite time of year! The fourth of mutha truckin july father flippers! Yeah yeah!!!! I love blowin’ shit up! I drop a cool grand every year on rockets and sparklies and widowmakers. I don’t care if I cant pay my rent or send out my alimony this is America, and Im an American. Don’t Flunk with me see?

I am a United States marine corp. veteren from the Gulf War numero uno. I was punchin’ camel spiders while you were still wipin’ your stupid puppet ass!

Sorry, I get patriomitotic some times. Like if I see someone lightin’s an American flag on fire I will take a sock filled with nuts and bolts and crack‘em over the friggity skull.

The reason I am writin’ today is because my sister brings her stupid kids over to my stupid house every snip snappity 4th of July. Last year I told my nephew, Spanknoodle, to hold the bucket of water I would put sparklers out in and I accidentally stabbed him through the heart. Luckily the heat from the hot poker like sparkler caudermerized the wound so he just can’t play sports now is all.

This year I wants to play it safe. The rest of the citizens of Possum hole, don’t trust me around they’s kids and I wish they wouldn’t be afraid of me. I have only accidentally killed 3 kids in 45 years, I would say that ain’t to bad.

One I blew up with a full stick of dynamite, and as god is my witness I tried to duck tape him back together on the way to the ER but they pronounced his mess dead on arrival.

The second kid I tied to a sky rocket and he flew off into space. We assumed he died or is livin’ on the moon ‘cause we never heard back from him. I wonder if they eat cheese on the moon?

The third and final kid I done killed I tricked into eating a box of snap pops. He sure looked funny eating mild explosives.

Oh and I almost forgot I killed Granny with a Roman Candle to the face. But she was old anyways, we assumed it was just her time.

Do you have any fancy medical advice for 4th of July safety this year?


Woodrow P. Sandblute
Possum Hole, W. Virginia
USA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Dear Woodrow,

My my my, you have quite a dirty mouth on you. Shame Shame Shame! On this the eve of our nations independence, you get a pass because you share the name of our 28th president, Woodrow Wilson. That’s aces in my book!

Yes the 4th of July is a very dangerous day indeed! More people sign up for Amputeedate.com the week after the 4th more than any other week of the year!!!!! That is a lot of people “ lookin’ for nub in all the wrong places” A he hehe heh . Anywhoozzle, I would never date anybody who was missin’ a limb. I love nothin’ more than a woman with ten toes and ten fingers. SEXY TIME! I don’t know what I would do I I was dating a girl and she was missing a leg. I bet I would grab for my trusty shotgun, and brandish it at her head, and shout, “Go on now and git! “ I wish artificial limbs were made out of Lego blocks. You could take them apart if you were bored and build castles or sailboats. That sounds fun. Youth is certainly wasted on the young, If I knew then what I know now, I would screw anything with a pulse.

Hope that answers your question!

Best,

Dr. Tony

P.S. Remember, I’m just a GD puppet, well you know the rest.

Star Watcher

Dearest Doctor Tony,

Welcome to La La Land. I work at a bakery, a very exclusive fancy bakery at that. I deal with Hollywood’s elite and I thought I could cash in on all the celebrity exposure I am privy too. I started photocopying the receipts of all the celebrities that buy stuff so I can publish them in a book I am writing called, “Cash Register Receipts to the Stars!”. That’s pretty clever huh? I know it is!

I try to make small talk with them but they get all squirmy and try to scoot out of the place quickly. I corner them usually and then demand to take a picture with them using my camera phone.

Well one day I was photocopying some receipts and my hand got stuck in the fax/copier/printer scanner. It’s a four in one! Well the gears pulled my hand inside and copied the crap out of it. It’s all chewed up and at least five shades lighter now than the rest of my body. My boyfriend calls me pecan tan, but now I look like a dummy. Everyone at work gives me the business and calls me, “Stupid Hand”. I think it’s infected too, because my pinky fell off. Whoops!

I am also a big cake head. I love cake. My face looks like a pepperoni pizza these days and I thinks it’s cause of all the sweets I eat and my ass is getting fatter than ever. I limit myself to only one slice a cake every few hours, but I am covered in zits and am gaining weight at a rapid rate. My fat belly looks like a cartoonish tire with a patch on it. My butt is bloated like two footballs overfilled with air.

I’m a mess. Please Help!

Gloria Dunderman – 29
Mission Viejo, CA.



Dear Gloria,

You are a naughty bird. Naughty, Naughty. I don’t swim in your toilet so don’t pee in my pool. You ever heard that expression? It’s fits your sorry soul to a tee! Just a little jab, no harm. Celebrities are people too. Like me for instance, I don’t want to be given hand pleasure at the dry cleaners just because the people there know me. I will object once or twice, but then I will give in and hose ‘em down with my baby juice.

I like cupcakes, ya know. They are like tiny cakes. I have a recurring dream that I am a on a gondola in a sea of cream cheese icing, and I run aground on a red velvet cupcake shore. Oh No! No worries, I just get some candy sprinkles from below deck off the gondola (that’s right playa!) and jimmy my way off the moist cocoa sweet reef, only to be attacked by a chocolate tornado.

Yikes! That was so decadent and scary. I made it out alive though. People say that if you die in your dream you die in real life. I say that’s dumb. People who believe that also believe in Freddy Kruger, and the Boogey Man. Hey Idiot I just acquired some swampland in Alaska, you want a few acres?

Good luck you dope. j/k, j/k!!

Dr. Tony

Cat Burglar

It’s been awhile friends. Your old pal Dr. T was movin across the country to set up shop in L.A. I got me a little taste for sun and skin, relaxed for spell, sired a few kids and decided to get right back on the horse and help someone out. Here’s a doosie:

Dear Dr. Tony,
First time writer, long time reader. I have been following your career closely, very closely. I am no creep though. I have only been arrested once and that was a long time ago. Some things are better left alone. Understand?
So here is my problem. I like stealing. I love stealing. Steal. Steal. Steal. I am addicted to stealing. I’ll steal shit that when worked out on paper makes less sense than it did in my head!

I like to steal underwear, lipstick, jewels, babies, blue things, sports cars, gym bags, mobile homes, wigs, cans, shoes, the Grandma you like, not the one you don’t like, and HoneyBees. I stole the bees than I stole their G.D. Honey. You know, shit like that.

I once took this guys glasses right off his friggin’ face! The guy was all like, “Hey my glasses!” and then I socked him in the mouth and was like, “Eat a Crap Sandwich!” then I was like I’m sorry I take it back. I stole back the remark I just made to him! In your face
glasses!

I get a real high from stealin’. I mean I get really aroused. The only thing that will take off the edge is watchin’ old Double Dare episodes.

What do I do? I stole the paper and pen to write this letter. I’m really sick in the head. I thought about comin’ down and stealin’ your sorry ass. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I get all caught up in stealin’ sometimes.

Please write back quick though ‘cause the police are beatin’ down on my door right now. I’ll be right there!

Best,
Ben Stealin, 41
Phoenix, AZ.

Dear Ben,
I hope this letter finds you, somewhere other than the in "The Clink". That’s “old timey” talk for jail. They used to say a lot of weird phrases like that in the earlier to mid part of the 1900’s. My favorite is when you order scrambled eggs. They would go, “Two eggs, wreck ‘em” . They used to call a pistol, a Roscoe too. That’s messed up huh?

I don't understand the term "Cat Burglar". I wonder if the crazy old lady at the end of the block(you know the one) who never leaves the house went around and stole all those damn cats. She just keeps swipin' them up and lettin' poop wherever they want. Gross!!

“I got caught stealin’ once when I was five”, remember that song? What a great song. Man, that takes me back. I used to love cruisin’ to that. I still love cruising for chicks though. I have a candy apple red Mazda Miata and it is a poon tang magnet. I like to pump a little Jay-Z through the sound system and zip down the coast to Tijuana and get a little strange south of the border. Yeah!
Anyway’s good luck Hombre, I gotta jet. Dr. Tony’s gone all Hollywood and shit.

Peace,

Dr. Tony

Pizza head

Dear Dr. T,

I hail from the deep south, in the Kentucky fried state of Alabama. Moline to be precize. I have got a “friend” who has a cundition something awful. My, I mean his hair is coming out in clumps and basket fulls, and I think he’s got something called, Alapizza. Now, I am no perfressional like yerself, but when my pal first told me that term, I was like that sure sounds I-talian. Kinda like, “hey here’s yer pizza”. I only eat American food, by the by, I don’t want to turn into no homosensual.

So my friends head looks like a giant bird egg nestled on a bed of fluffy hair. Only this egg has a face and a body attached to it. He used to have a giant fluffy afro, because he was a clown in the circus. His name was Puffy. He has got a serious weight problem too. I mean who wants to be with a bloated bald circus clown? I wouldn’t. Most of the time it is hard cause all his friends think being a clown is not American and they threaten to tie him to their Ford F150, and drag the clown right out of his hippy ass. I say that is down right cruel. I am amerc….he is American as apple pie and fried lamb balls.

What do I do about this alapizza and everything?

Sunserly,

Gabriel T. FartMuffin


Dear, Gabe

I don’t want to add insult to injury but you also sound like a goddam moron. Tell me if I am way off here, but you are pretty dumb right? The problem you have is called alopecia and it is highly contagious. Do me a solid and wrap yourself in Hefty bags right now! You don’t want to get everyone bald do you? This is not laughing matter I assure you. The next step you have to take is cut off all ties to the outside world, they are now your enemy. Refuse all mail, and don’t answer the phone, and only eat Ritz crackers. They are the only brand that is guaranteed implant safe.

Now cover your head in foil so the aliens get into your head, and go sit in the bathtub, it’s the only safe place to be.

I don’t really have time for this today, I just got cable and have been watching a lot of the sci-fi channel lately. I want to get back to watching my programs. I will say this, after watching the sci-fi channel for 2 days straight, I am no longer impressed by lasers. They are boring!

Good luck, and remember, I am only a G.D. puppet what in the wide wide world of sport do I know about anything.

Love,

Dr. Tony

P.S. Ask Dr. Tony is now sponsored by Hefty and Ritz , get some today!

Home Pregnancy Test

Dear Dr. So and So,

My name is Brenda T. Smooten, and I think I might have a baby kicking around in my drawers. My britches get real itchy, and my belly is big like a watermelon. I am pretty heavy as it is, but now my belly moves and jiggles, and get's angry. It feels like I done ate a twelve pack of sliders all the time, and chased it with a Ginger Beer.

I have to make doodie poop all the time too. What do you think? I ain't ever had sexual intercourse, on account of I am fugly. My pop tells me so every day. It's o.k. he means well. I think I might have the baby jesus in my belly. You think that'd make me rich like Donald Trump? I have better hair then him , so it'll be okay. Well...I had scarlet fever and it made all my hair keep fallin' out, but I have a real pretty wig I made from my dog, Scratchy's hair he shed.

I look like Barbara Streisand. I reckon.

My favorite thing you say is how you is just a Puppet and that we should remember it. Goddamit!

HA!

Thanks and answer my question quick, I might just pop.

Brenda 45, Jackson, MS.



Dear Brenda,

Baby Jesus's, or Jesi as we call them are pretty common actually so don't go thinking, "Hey! Look at me I am the King of Siam, I got a Gold baby Jesus!". Sometimes they don't even come out gold at all. I once delivered a lead baby Jesus once. Completely worthless.

In my opinion Chocalate Jesi are the best. Much better than Easter Bunny ones. I wonder if it is smart to take half a mushroom before giving medical advice?

My God the room is a rainbow!!!! Wow, Far out! My hand can pass through objects. I am totally serious dude. I am going to shit in a coffee cup. Mother Scratcher!!!

Brenda....Brenda...B-R-E-N-D-A ha ha your name is pretty fly. Fly like an Eagle to the sea

I going to eat a...........


Stuff is cool.

yonT .rD

Carrots filled with RAGE!

Dear Dr. Tony,


I am a Prop comic, and have a problem. I all started out very innocent, I would go on stage with a chest full of bullshit, I actually referred to it in my act as the “Chest of Bullshit”.

At any rate I was doing my stupid obvious act for a long time, and then one day I was walking past a GNC, and I thought to myself, “ Hey Self, are you tired of getting sand kicked in your face at the beach? Are you tired of get your black leather thong underpants pulled up your ass-crack and over your head? ‘Cause I sure am.”

Anyways, I was a lanky goofy redhead,



and I looked like the character in that movie that Eic Stoltz played, you know Mask. Man I would love to get into a Time Machine and go back to when that movie was made ‘cause I would bone Cher real good. Not now though, she looks like a bowling bag with black hair. Ickkk!!!!!! But that all changed, I am a real sack of man beef now though. I look like a goddam juiced up troll doll.



I bought everything off the shelves and loaded my body with proteins, and electrolytes, and joined Gold’s Gym. I started lifting weights like crazy, I mean stupid crazy. I put weights on my weights I was so smitten with the shit. My muscles bulged, and I couldn’t get strong fast enough, so then I started shooting steroids, and I got big fast. I had muscles on my muscles which worked out cause of my weights on the weights thing, but I was really mad all the time.



In the middle of my bullshit comedy routine, I was doing a joke where I have a stuffed bee, and I am all like Bee – Leave me Bee leave me, I repeat it because on the second or third time one or two people laugh all the time, I call it my money shot three-peat.

Any way, nobody laughs and I get fucking so pissed, I rip the Bee doll in half and say, “ Fuck Everybody! Fuck the World!” I start beating everybody up, and I make love to all the girls in the room. I mean I guess it’s a matter of perspective, I was making love, and the girls were receiving unwanted sexual advances.

Is love a crime? No. Any way I am so pissed off right now I want to punch this computer in the face. Fuck you words, fuck you words,, Fuck you Dr. Tony, What’s wrong with me? Fuck you, please help.


Carrot Top
Las Vegas, NV.




Dear Mr. Carrot Top,
I am just a puppet Dr. weak and frail, and don’t want to anger the obvious horde of demons lurking around in that bizarre, yet engaging skull of yours.

I don’t see a thing wrong with you, hell if anything there is something wrong with me, yes sure thing, that’s what it is…it’s me. I apologize. What a sad state of affairs this world has come to. When a bad prop comic can’t fill his body full of substances and become an incredible hulk.

Kudos to you, sir. Kudos to strength comedy!

Sincerely Dr. Tony.

P.S. I am sorry.

The Stone Skipper

Dear Dr. Tony,

First If I may, I would just like to say how attractive I find you. You must realize how hard it is for a confident strapping young heterosexual male to say so about an inanimate object. Surely they broke the mold after such a masterpiece was created. I mean…really.

So I was skipping stones with my nephew down by creek by the old mill in my home town about two weeks ago. We are standing there minding our business when out of nowhere a condor soars down and impales my nephew through his friggin’ face. At first I’m all hahaha that’s real funny take that joke bird out of your face, and then he’s all cryin’ and shit and I am like Whoa! There is a giant bird of prey stuck in my nephews head. I pick him up and carry him back to my station wagon( I call it the brown beast, but that is not important right now) I get back to the station wagon, and haul some major ass to a gas station and ask if I can get some towels or water or anything to get this bird out of my brothers youngest child. Only everywhere I go everybody keep laughin. I mean it is pretty funny at this point because the bird has died, and it is letting out a last shit rainstorm everywhere. I mean it kinda looks like the birds dead ass is a caulk gun, but that’s not important. Long story short. My brother is coming back into town tommorow, and my nephew stopped moving like three days ago, what do you think I should do? I got to be honest every time I try to say something to the kid, I just start laughin’ and say “just like your old man huh”? Then I go get a sandwich and forget he’s alive.


Please help.

Cory Butterton, 25


Well Cory I gotta tell ya, Goddamit that’s Funny, but in a dark bizarre happy go lucky so of way. Thanks for the kind words at the top of your letter. This hunk of man love only knows how to draw straight lines my man , if you hear what I’m sayin.

You’re in deep shit pal. Don’t you watch old movies? Never go by the old mill! No good can come of it. I’d say if anything you were lucky your nephew became a bird kabob, and you didn’t get attacked by a zombie or a crazy in a hockey mask. And who the fuck is skipping stones? Do me a favor, why don’t you and the Beav run down to the soda jerk and pick up Ward and June a bottle of reality, preferably 2007.

You called the condor in your nephew’s face a bird of prey. I watch a lot of Sci-fi and that makes me think of Star Trek. I have been to a lot of conventions and had my fair share of nerd girl poonany. That’s the only reason I go, because they are dens of sex. Sci-Fi euphemisms (I need warp drive power in your vahina now scotty!) being throw back and forth, which at the very least will get you a guilt free hand job. Most of the time I go for the real frumpy ones, they just want to make someone happy, I’m talking serious in flagrante dilicto!

So Cory I hope that answers your question, Besides I'm pretty sure the bastard’s dead.


And remember, blah blah blah.

Dr. Tony